Everyone knows she’s an ugly bull-dike, so we’re not going to go there, except to say that it is worse for a woman to look like a man than for a man to look like a woman.
I get that she’s smart. Great. Glenn Beck is smart. John Kerry is smart — way smarter than George Bush, at least — and no one gave a shit. They say Marilyn Monroe was smart, but no one really gave a shit, because it’s much better to look like Marilyn Monroe, who everyone remembers for that time she had to hold her dress down from blowing over her head and almost showing her pussy, than to be smart.
But why does Rachel Maddow have to come off as such a snot-nosed brat? She has the same tone of voice and the same dumb, over-cheery smile, not to mention the glasses and haircut, as the teenage cashier in Starbucks who says when she rings you up, “did you know our coffee beans come from Sumatra, and the natives who picked them get paid $.02 per hour instead of $.01 like the assholes at Dunkin’ Donuts pay, ‘GLEAM!!’ (cheesy, idealistic smile) ?” No, I didn’t know that, Rachel Maddow. Shut the fuck up.”
Being an intellectual in not intrinsically cool. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. The only cool intellectuals are the ones who are depressed and drink themselves to death. That is to say, like everything else, it’s only cool when you’re not actively trying to make it cool. Rachel Maddow is to intellectuality what Will Smith was to Hip Hop, when he was doing the no swear words kind of shit that was supposed to make rap OK with parents.
It makes me cringe when I see Rachel Maddow’s doofy, smiling, chicklet-teeth having, pre-pubescent boy face on TV and she’s making some facetious remark which makes reference to current affairs, then looking around for a response, like that’s what normal people find funny, then — this is the worst part — people in the audience, and possibly those in the room with you as well, actually laugh, because, who wants to look stupid, right? It’s like watching someone’s middle-aged parents bob their head to “Gettin’ Jiggy With it” because they’re happy that at least it doesn’t have the word fuck in it.
Please, Rachel Maddow, stop trying to be funny. And while you’re at it, stop being such a highfalutin bitch. Chris Kristofferson was a Rhodes scholar too, and he’s not a know-it-all, tomboy-next-door, bull-dike but still somewhat attractive, smirking goody-two-shoes.
You could learn a lot from your colleague Lawrence O’Donnell. He looks like he stays up all night smoking cigarettes at his typewriter and getting pissed off at conservatives instead of funneling his penis-envy into making limp, barb-lessly derisive remarks while he sits on a baseball-bat sized dildo like you do.
Again, I know you’re smart. But you’re like a little girl on her birthday who says when she opens her presents, “What the fuck — I asked for the Lydia Davis translation of Proust, not the Kilmartin-Moncrieff, dad. Are you retarded?” You’re right (I guess?), but — shut the fuck UP.